Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.