Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.