Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.