Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.