Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.