Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.