I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.