I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.