I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.