I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.