I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.