When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.