When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.