My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.