My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.