Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.