Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.