If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.