You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.