The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!