It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.