It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.