It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.