I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.