I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.