I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.