I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.