I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.