I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.