Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.