Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.