Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.