Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!