I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!