I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.