I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.