I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.