If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.