If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.