I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.