I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?