I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!