I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?