That which does not kill you isn't finished.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.