I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.