I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.