I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.