I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.