It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!