Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.