Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.