Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.