Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?