There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.