There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.