There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.