My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.