My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!