A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.