Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.