Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.