I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!