I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?