I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.