I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.