The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.