The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.