The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.