The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.