I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.