I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.