I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.