I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right