I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.