I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.