Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.