One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.