Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.