Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.