Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.