Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.