Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.