Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.