Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.