When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?