When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?