Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.