Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.