Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.