Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.