Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.