Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.