Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?