You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.