You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.