Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.