Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.