Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.