Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.