If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!