If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.