If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.