If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.