Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.