Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.