Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.