Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.