Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.