As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.