As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.