As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?