If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.