If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?