If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.