If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.