A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.