A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.