A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.