The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!