I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.