I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.