My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.