Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.

I would love to have acidy spit.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.