Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.