Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.