When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.