You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.