I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye"!

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not